Being a people pleaser
I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I have always found myself happiest when those around me are happy. This was a positive thing growing up, but lately, and especially over the last 5 years, my people pleasing tendencies have gotten to a point where I am hurting not just myself, but those closest to me.
We all know the famous quote from Lincoln that says
"You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time"
It comes in many different forms and each one ells us to stop trying to please other people, stop trying to live your life for other people and start doing what makes YOU happy. But, this is all much easier said than done.
Over the course of my life I have met very few people who don't like me. This isn't so much a conceited statement, but rather a statement of truth. I used to put my self worth in that, in the fact that everyone liked me so I must be a nice person. I think my need to be accepted, and flowing from that the need to please people and make every one like me stemmed from the years of bullying that I endured while at school in the UK. My family moved to England when I was 9 and from the moment I arrived at my first school, there was always one girl who took an instant dislike to me. Whether it was my accent, my darker skin colour (which they insisted was the result of fake tan) or the fact that I was far more comfortable spending my break times outside playing in the garden with the boys, whatever it was, I would go home crying every day, desperate to understand what I was doing wrong, to know what I could do to make them stop their tormenting.
I was 15 when we returned home to South Africa, and determined to make every single person in my new school like me. I said yes to everything and everyone. I went out of my way to talk to everyone, to smile at everyone, to listen to everyone, to remember small details that would make people feel special. I so desperately wanted to be accepted that I sacrificed deeper, more meaningful friendships with people so that I could rather be friends with everyone. This was fine during High School (I often reflect on the fact that I have so many friends I would consider acquaintances, but very few who I would consider close friends). But, I was happy. I was happy with the fact that I knew I was accepted. Happy to be known as the 'nice' person, the 'kind' person. That was until my second year of University when my best friends boyfriend took a disliking to me. Who knows why he didn't like me, perhaps it was because he wasn't very kind or nice to her and didn't treat her like the princess she deserved to be treated like, and I often told her she shouldn't settle for anything less than she deserved. Whatever the reason, when my friend told me he didn't like me, my world came crashing down. It didn't matter than I didn't like him and thought him rather arrogant and selfish. The point was that no one didn't like me, and here was someone who was open with his dislike. It's strange that a guy whom I had absolutely no interest in could affect me so deeply. I eventually got over it after their relationship fizzled out and I left university, and that was the end of that. Until recently.
Farmboy has been the one to highlight my people pleasing nature, on more than one occasion (this is both why I get so frustrated and the reason why I love him with all my heart). He has told me that I put those who care about me the most second to those that don't like me, or who I feel are upset with me. He has called me out a few times, explaining that it hurts when he is pushed aside, when thoughts of convincing other people how nice I am get in the way of spending quality time with him. He says that it's as if I know I don't have to work to make him like me, because I know that he loves me no matter what I do, that my relationship to him doesn't need to be cared for because he is always there. That was really hard to hear, I felt like I had let him down as a wife, and worse than that, that I had let him down as his best friend. I then spent some time looking back on my friendships, and I was deeply saddened knowing that I have done the same thing to my real and true friends, the few that I have. But being aware is the biggest and most important step to take to change.
Here is a list of the changes I am going to be making in my life, not just for me, but for my husband and for my friends:
It's okay to say no.
This is hard! I always worry that people will think I'm selfish when I say no to things. But, I say yes too quickly, and then want to cancel whatever appointment or activity I have agreed to doing, once I realize that I actually didn't want to do it in the first place. So I am going to try and stop saying yes straight away, and rather say something like, let me get back to you. Giving me time to think about my reasons for saying yes or no, and then being truthful with myself when I finally do answer.
Realizing that there is no possible way that everyone can like me.
Just as the quote above says, not everyone likes peaches. And that's ok. It is probably not me personally that they don't like, it probably has to do with their own stuff they have going on. I can be quite pushy sometimes, telling people what they should do, how they should live their lives (but only because I genuinely want to help, and I genuinely want to make other peoples lives easier...this is why I blog, so I can share my ideas and suggestions without forcing them on people as I have done before...you choose what you want to take away from my blog, I simply provide the idea or the inspiration you may need to get started).
Honesty is the best policy. Always.
Even if that honesty makes someone turn their back on you, you have done the right things and no one can argue with that.